I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
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i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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