I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
if i died would you start the facebook group?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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