all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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