Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize