Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize