My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
