where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.