You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
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I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
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I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand