Kareoke will never be a sober sport
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later