You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
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Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
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At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back