Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She's the barista slut.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?