my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
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Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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