she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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