this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
