You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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