I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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