Got a toothbrush?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
