I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?