woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
