Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
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I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
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The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
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