onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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