I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just blew my weed a kiss
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.