I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
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He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
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True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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