just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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