Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late