I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
