I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?