You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I fill condoms, not promises.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me