I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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