These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
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We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
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You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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