I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
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He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
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Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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