The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
