Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
