I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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