You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
