Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way