She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.