the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.