you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
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At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
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There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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