Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
