Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
