Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
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Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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