i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
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SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
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Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass