can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!