My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
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you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.