I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.