just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
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I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
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Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!