she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
People in love make me want to vomit
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
