Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(458): View more from Oregon

So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...

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(458): So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins... http://tfl.nu/wa72

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(513): View more from Ohio

I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.

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(513): I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear. http://tfl.nu/d8gq

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(303): Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England http://tfl.nu/wgnu

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!

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(413): DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!! http://tfl.nu/zcda

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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(813): We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response. http://tfl.nu/3ka8

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(402): View more from Nebraska

In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.

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(402): In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck. http://tfl.nu/gl2y

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(773): View more from Illinois

It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.

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(773): It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse. http://tfl.nu/a75v

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.

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(402): Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today. http://tfl.nu/vn4s

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(217): View more from Illinois

3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.

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(217): 3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa. http://tfl.nu/7ujo

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(760): View more from California

I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore

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(760): I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore http://tfl.nu/3q10

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.

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(336): Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box. (336): Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark. http://tfl.nu/oail

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

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(402): On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever. http://tfl.nu/nvjj

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This ER has an aquarium in it!!!

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(609): This ER has an aquarium in it!!! http://tfl.nu/uric

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(765): View more from Indiana

He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.

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(765): He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever. http://tfl.nu/9j5e

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(386): View more from Florida

Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.

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(386): Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together. http://tfl.nu/96ms

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