Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
