PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
