6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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