The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
