I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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