I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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