Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.