this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
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No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
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Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.