I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We are all done wearing pants today
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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