i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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