I wish my penis had an off switch
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
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I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
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Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize