The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
