the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
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Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
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On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.