I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?