____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
